Another Day

I guess things are slowly getting better. Yesterday I was unable to go to Otis’s final resting place, I wanted to hang the plaque at the head of his grave. I was able to do that today and spent a little bit of time talking to him there. I spend a lot of time talking to him in the house as it is. I know that Otis is not really out there, that is just a mere shell of his being. He really resides right with me all the time in spirit.

I tried to chisel out a grave marker for him how ever I could hardly get a line chiseled in, never mind a name or anything else. I got a piece of wood, the same as I used for my housemates two buddies. I penciled in the letters and used my wood carving tools to carve in Otis’s name. I coloured the carved letters with black india ink and will sand off any over run ink tomorrow then will stain the wood and apply many coats of polyurethane afterwords. I chose to use hand tools to do his name instead of a Dremel like the other two.  I thought perhaps putting more time and effort into it might mean a little more in the end.

I have no idea what I am going to do now that I face the world totally on my own. For the last 5 years it has been Otis and I with no one else involved in our lives. Now it is just me.

To give you an idea of how my life is. My housemate posted on her Facebook page about the loss of Otis and 30 some people that I know responded to her post. Out of that 30 one person sent an email to me personally to express their condolences. This is what I have said in the past as to why I stay on my own. I am like some sort of invisible person. How ever do not think that I am not the topic of discussion many times, even though no one knows anything about me. They know I am not well, they know that I am in constant pain. They really know nothing more than that. But they can make up stories like crazy. This is why I stay to myself.

Otis was very important to me.  He, I believe helped keep my sanity. Now, well we’ll have to wait and see.

I have this discussion with my housemate. I came out and said I have no friends. She was taken aback by that statement.

To me a friend is someone that you do things with periodically. Some one that you talk to more often than not. Someone who will pick up the phone and say hey what are you doing? Lets go out and grab a coffee. Something to that nature. Everyone has my phone numbers (cell and house) not once in the 5 years that I have lived here has my phone rang that it is not the doctors office, the bank or some sales person. Not once have I been invited to go out, Oh pardon me I stand corrected I got invited out once to go to hear a band at a bar (by a band member) so as to ensure they had people in the crowd!!! I did go and I spent the entire time alone.

That gives you a little taste of what I am up against.

Anyhow I think that this is probably going to be my last post. I will no longer have much to say that won’t include complaining and who really wants that.

It’s been a pleasure. I am grateful to all the wonderful people that I have had the opportunity to converse with here. I am honoured to have received so many well wishes and the support of total strangers helping to get through. How ever I feel it is time to step back into the shadows and fade away.

Brightest Blessings to each and everyone of you. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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7 responses to “Another Day

  1. Hi Bill,
    I know you’re at your darkest hour at present, having to come to terms with this sudden & overwhelming loss. Whatever you decide to do about your blog, do keep in touch. And take the best of care of yourself.
    Jeanette

  2. The blog is more a place to let feelings out rather than complaining. I think people will miss you if you decide to retire the blog, whatever you do I wish you good luck. Maybe some day adopting a dog can help you feel less alone and also save a life.

  3. I don’t know what I am going to do at the moment. I had thought about getting a little tiny dog to accompany me on my journey on the boat. How ever I have thought about that and am not sure it is a good plan. I am 55 most dogs live to be 15 or there about. Maybe I am to old to be taking on that responsibility now. What if the dog out lives me that is not fair to rehome an old dog. I would love to have another puppy but I just am so unsure about what is fair and just. No one would want a dog I had as I spoil them rotten, they are treated better than most treat their children. Otis had more toys than children I know. I am a dog wrecker! (only through love though)

  4. Dear Bill,
    I hope you reconsider not posting any more – I really do like hearing from you, and after all… you say you have no friends, and that no one contacts you – but we do.

    And you have stated that this is your place to complain if you want to – so why worry that we don’t want to hear you complain now? Share your thoughts if you want to. You have no idea who benefits from your words – perhaps there is a reason we have all been thrown together like this – why not let us be your friends online, if not in person?

    Take your time – you have suffered a tremendous loss – and it is natural to feel alone and troubled. Who knows… I may need your comfort soon. Or someone else.

    Take care, friend.
    Rhan

  5. Right at the moment I have no idea what I am going to do. I have enough trouble getting through a day so to plan ahead for the future right now is way more than I can handle.
    I am aware that I have gained some online friends. Some that chat back and forth via email some that only converse via the blog comments.
    I think I see things in a different light than everyone else. I must have a different understanding or definition for the term friend. Most people that I know will say that this is my friend even though they have only met them once for two minutes. Unfortunately that is not how I categorize friendship.
    All the people around me that say they are my friends yet never speak to me or have any contact with me what so ever. If they converse with me it is because I forced them into it. To me that is not a friend. So my loss as I classify things differently than everyone else. And it must be me because the rest of the world seems to be okay with how they do it.
    And to be totally honest I am okay with that. When I have a friend I hold them dearly. Friendship is not something that is to be taken lightly as far as I am concerned.
    Friend = someone you can call up at any hour day or night if you need someone to talk to. Someone that you speak with. Someone that you include in activities that are of interest to both parties of course.
    Maybe that makes it clearer.
    Time will tell what happens with me. As for now I don’t know.
    Thank you
    I hope this has not hurt any feelings.
    bill

  6. Think about living for 20-30 years without no dog. Today 55 is no age, I understand your concern but, I believe people get healthy from having an animal companion. Maybe you can talk to someone you know about being a gardian for the dog If anything happens to you? Or you could adopt a adult dog :).

    I hope it works out with the boat and future plans, sounds fun.

  7. I hope that 55 is an age of no concern is a true statement and I do hope that I keep going well into my 80’s and better yet 90’s. I had often thought of adopting an older dog, even when I had Otis to keep him company and give him more of an idea of what being a dog really is. (I spoiled him so he did not even know he was a dog.) How ever now with my future plans an older dog is not the workable answer. Due to the space limitations of living aboard a 27 to 35 foot sailing vessel. Add in there the inability to return to shore at a moments notice so as to allow the dog off to relieve itself.
    I have specific requirements in the dog I can get for the boat. It has to be tinytiny, it has to be a puppy so as to train it specifically to use a litter box or puppy pee pads. I know many will balk at those requirements. While it is an intention that a trip to shore be made daily for doggy exercise there are going to be periods when it is not doable and may be periods of weeks at a time that it is not doable pending a long offshore voyage (not in the immediate plans but very possible). Thus my requirements for my boat dog choice.
    As for short life span of me, I do hope that is not the case. Remember I survive on narcotics to keep me in an upright position. Living this life brings with it some unsurity all related to the medication. (I will be advising my doctor on the next visit of my need to be on some other method of pain management as it is not wise to be traveling with or on narcotics.
    Should my plans change and I am unable to do the live aboard life style then I can guarantee an older dog will be in the works.
    Thanks

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