I guess things are slowly getting better. Yesterday I was unable to go to Otis’s final resting place, I wanted to hang the plaque at the head of his grave. I was able to do that today and spent a little bit of time talking to him there. I spend a lot of time talking to him in the house as it is. I know that Otis is not really out there, that is just a mere shell of his being. He really resides right with me all the time in spirit.
I tried to chisel out a grave marker for him how ever I could hardly get a line chiseled in, never mind a name or anything else. I got a piece of wood, the same as I used for my housemates two buddies. I penciled in the letters and used my wood carving tools to carve in Otis’s name. I coloured the carved letters with black india ink and will sand off any over run ink tomorrow then will stain the wood and apply many coats of polyurethane afterwords. I chose to use hand tools to do his name instead of a Dremel like the other two. I thought perhaps putting more time and effort into it might mean a little more in the end.
I have no idea what I am going to do now that I face the world totally on my own. For the last 5 years it has been Otis and I with no one else involved in our lives. Now it is just me.
To give you an idea of how my life is. My housemate posted on her Facebook page about the loss of Otis and 30 some people that I know responded to her post. Out of that 30 one person sent an email to me personally to express their condolences. This is what I have said in the past as to why I stay on my own. I am like some sort of invisible person. How ever do not think that I am not the topic of discussion many times, even though no one knows anything about me. They know I am not well, they know that I am in constant pain. They really know nothing more than that. But they can make up stories like crazy. This is why I stay to myself.
Otis was very important to me. He, I believe helped keep my sanity. Now, well we’ll have to wait and see.
I have this discussion with my housemate. I came out and said I have no friends. She was taken aback by that statement.
To me a friend is someone that you do things with periodically. Some one that you talk to more often than not. Someone who will pick up the phone and say hey what are you doing? Lets go out and grab a coffee. Something to that nature. Everyone has my phone numbers (cell and house) not once in the 5 years that I have lived here has my phone rang that it is not the doctors office, the bank or some sales person. Not once have I been invited to go out, Oh pardon me I stand corrected I got invited out once to go to hear a band at a bar (by a band member) so as to ensure they had people in the crowd!!! I did go and I spent the entire time alone.
That gives you a little taste of what I am up against.
Anyhow I think that this is probably going to be my last post. I will no longer have much to say that won’t include complaining and who really wants that.
It’s been a pleasure. I am grateful to all the wonderful people that I have had the opportunity to converse with here. I am honoured to have received so many well wishes and the support of total strangers helping to get through. How ever I feel it is time to step back into the shadows and fade away.
Brightest Blessings to each and everyone of you. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart.