I’m Crushed

Many will not be able to read this, I am sorry.  This is going to be detailed and disturbing. I need to talk about my little boy.

Hind sight is a wondrous thing, it’s really to bad that it usually comes after it is to late.

Last night was a very long night. Otis got himself into bed at 7:30 just a he did every night. He drifted off to sleep pretty much right away. All snuggled up in his blanket next to me. He always had to be touching me. Walks or just sitting watching tv. Night time was most important as it was total body pressed up against me.

I woke him up at 9:30 to take him out to take care of business just as every night. I had to carry him out and down the deck stairs and onto the lawn. He was not his normal self. He was lost, not knowing what he was suppose to do. After talking with him for a bit he got it sorted out. We came back in and I put him back to bed. He would no longer lay down. He had to be sitting up, but he was not there. He was lost. Eventually I got him back down and he drifted back to sleep. He got up several times during the night in the same lost condition.

We got up 15 minutes earlier this morning so as to give my housemate a chance to say her goodbyes to him. It was difficult for her as hard as she tried to put on a brave face, the tears flowed. Otis had attached himself into everyone in the house’s life. While this was taking place I prepared Otis’s breakfast. He got some wieners and scrambled eggs and some of his favorite puppy stew.

Otis was not the same guy this morning. Normally he is the happiest guy every morning. Everyday I would say good morning and he would get all excited and dance all over the place and then kiss me all over my face. Not this morning. After he had his breakfast we went outside and we played ball. He would chase his ball in the yard and bring it back and then he started having problems with this as well. He would chase the ball and then stand in place and stare off into space. This is not my Otis, this is not how he played ball. Then he would walk away with out his ball. I stayed with him and we played and talked and petted him and snuggled him.

I could see that he was getting tired so we came in the house and Otis had a little nap. When he woke up he got treats that he loves so much. Even eating those it was not the normal taking his time chewing every morsel of the chewy treats. He enjoyed them but it was just swallow them and nothing more.

I kept Otis by my side until it was time to go. I put his harness on and we left the house. We did the normal go to the end of the driveway to pee on the telephone pole before getting in the car. The housemates father was so kind to take us to the appointment. This was visibly upsetting to him as well, I could see the tears welling up in his eyes as he drove.

He came into the office with us, I told him I did not expect him to come into the examination room for this. The receptionist was so kind and took Otis to the scale and weighed him, he had lost 3 pounds since the last visit to the Dr. We then went into the examination room and took care of the paper work. The assistant then took Otis to have a  catheter installed in his front leg. I reminded the girl to ensure that she continued to talk to Otis all the time so he would not be scared as he can not see. I was pleased with the outcome. The two of them came back, Otis kissing the girl on the face.

The Dr. came in and wanted to have a discussion with me before we went any farther. We discussed another treatment that we could try. Now I really don’t know what to do. I listened to every word intently and almost said okay we can do that. Then the words came out that it would take between 6 and 8 weeks for the new drug to take effect. Otis would continue to have these violent seizures until such time the drugs kicked in “if they were going to work at all” She said that there was no guarantee that it would work and then if it did it could be for  a month, 5 months maybe 5 years.

I could not get around the seizures continuing for 6 to 8 weeks. How can I do that. How could I make him endure this. Would there be any Otis left in there by the end of the waiting period? I have had Otis in my arms the whole time, holding him tight to me. I had to kiss him on the head and say Otis I am so sorry. I can’t put you through that. Of course now the tears have started. We are at the final count down.

The Dr. said she understood and that it was my decision and no matter what I decided it would be in the best interest of Otis. It is me that knows Otis and I am aware of the risks and benefits. She asked me if I wanted some time and I said no. We were ready. She left the room and came back with three syringes.

She was so nice. She explained each syringe to me, asked if I was ready and I said okay. She gave Otis the first injection which was a sedative to ensure that he is calm, explaining that it will start to make him a little sleepy. The second syringe was to ensure that he did not go into seizure as quite often the sedative will cause a seizure dog to seize.

I was telling Otis how much I loved him and how very sorry I was and he started kissing my face and the Dr. injected the overdose of anesthetic. Otis faded as the syringe emptied and then he was gone. The Dr. listened to his heart and then took his blanket and laid it out on the table and had me place Otis down. She listened for 30 seconds on both sides of his heart to ensure he was gone. And he was. My boy at peace. We wrapped him up. I asked if they would allow us to leave via the rear door as there were people in the waiting area and I had tears streaming down my face.

I carried Otis to the car and held him close for the short ride home. My driver asked if I wanted to go thru the house or the garage I chose the garage. I asked if he could go in the house and pick up the new ball and Otis’s favorite toy where I had place them by the sliding door to the deck.

I carried my boy to the small grave and placed him in. I took the toys and tucked them inside the blanket with Otis. I had to stop at this point and take a few moments to myself. I had a cigarette and cried.

Once I had gathered myself I went back to Otis and began the grim task of placing the soil over top of him. That was so hard to do. This is the final point.

The memories will last a life time. The joy that Otis brought into my life.  I lit some incense and took it out to Otis and told him that we will be together again when my turn comes. When that happens we will be together for eternity. I know that Otis will be waiting for me when I too shall pass.

I have been off and on all day. Second guessing myself. Should I have taken the option. Did I rob Otis of some time. Would it be my Otis after going through 6 – 8 weeks of seizures?  Did I do the right thing?

I did, I know deep down that I did the right thing and that Otis understands.

Tonight will be my first night in almost 6 years that I will not have my little boy pressed up against me snoring in my ear. I know that Otis will suffer no longer with this and he went with dignity and more love than he could ever imagine.


38 responses to “I’m Crushed

  1. *hugs*. There are no words to make this better. I am so sorry for your loss.

  2. Thank you so very much. It is going to sting for a few days for sure. Right now I am just kind of lost, waiting for him to pop around the corner.
    The funny thing is that I have no words to describe exactly what he meant to me and how he affected my life.
    Again thank you.

  3. No thanks necessary. You lost a companion. That is significant. Be gentle with yourself. And feel free to post / vent / reminisce . There are people reading who care and understand.

  4. I wish I had some comforting words to say, but the tears are really getting in the way. Other’s loss has a way of reminding ourselves of our own losses, and so now I am sad for Otis and for all for all the lives left before me. I feel as though I can imagine your pain through your words, and it hurts so much. I’m so sorry for your loss, I am truly sorry.

  5. Thank you so very much. Your words mean a lot to me as I have followed you for some time, and the connection you have with animals.
    I have no words to express how much Otis meant to me nor how much of an impact he had on my life.
    I spent everyday with him from age 6 1/2 weeks, never separated for more than a couple hours a week. Nearly 6 years of constant companionship. Otis rarely would leave my side for any reason.
    That is a lot of time. More time than most spend even with their children.
    I tried to provide the absolute best possible for Otis and showed him probably more love than I have anyone.
    The loss that I feel tonight, the first night is tremendous. The guilt for not being able to protect him from this one thing. I had really hoped that Otis would be with me until my end.
    I will never know if I was right or wrong. I can only pray that Otis understands that I did what I thought was the best I could do at removing the pain and suffering. And pray that he will be waiting for me when my time comes.
    I know that you above anyone understands my feelings and commitment to that little boy that really got the short end of the stick from day one. A reject because he was not of show quality (one white ear). Saved from being put down. Then came the blindness by age two, and hip issue later on which was really accentuated by the phenobarbital.
    I will carry on my journey alone now, never forgetting.
    Thank you again.

  6. Again, just so, so sorry about all this & I’ll know you’ll forgive me for crying at this post, as it’s one I’d hoped never to have to read. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have done your very best with love & kindness. Otis couldn’t speak to you to say what he was going through. He was clearly not himself by those last few hours, so the release given to him was a blessing to save any further suffering.

    I don’t know if you think this song is appropriate for Otis – I know you said you liked it:


  7. Thank you Jeanette,
    I made it through a very long night. It is hard to believe just how much room a small guy like Otis took up in the bed. All sorts of extra room last night, no little body pressed up tight to me and no snoring in my ear. Didn’t sleep much. So quiet.
    This morning was a disaster. I opened my eyes and there was nothing staring me in the face from 2 cm away, no morning kisses and no morning happy dance. Of course the flood gates opened up wide.
    This will pass of course.
    Thank you so much for everything.

  8. I so feel for you!!I’m so sorry,I have had to have friends put to sleep,there are just no words to express how hard it is,how gut-wrenching.Then agonizing over if you did the right thing and the final burying,I know just what you mean,you don’t want to let them go,it seems wrong to cover them.Then the place just full of their absence,it’s so hard.But you have given him a lovely memorial by your very beautiful,moving piece of writing,so thanks for sharing your feelings,that’s special.

  9. Dear Bill,

    I, too, cried as I read this – knowing the pain this decision brings. I believe your intuition was right on, but I guess it’s only natural to second guess yourself now and then.

    So sorry.


  10. I saw the title and knew the outcome. Yet, I still read and struggled with each sentence. Bill, I’m so sorry. I know you did right by Otis but that does not make it any easier. Sending prayers, hugs, and warm thoughts your way. When you’re up to it, please Skype me. xx

  11. Thank you so much Lana. Might be awhile on the skype thing. I still have flashes and start crying without notice. I am finding this incredibly hard.
    All the best and thank you

  12. Thats fine, I just need to be able to compose myself and know that I can keep from crying unexpectedly as it happens now. It just comes as things flash in my mind.

  13. Unfortunately, this is one that has to ride it’s self out. I have never experienced anything like this before. It is amazing how much a little dog can impact your life.

  14. Thank you so very much. Not sure which way is up right now. This has hit me like nothing I have ever experienced. As much as I tried to prepare myself for the possibility of this happening. It came at me way to fast.
    Again thank you.

  15. I don’t know you Mr. Kelly, not even enough to call you “Bill”.
    But I just read everything I need to know about you.
    I still have dreams about my beloved Boxer named Sundance, who we had to have put down almost seven years ago. Dreams of our adventures together, about the times only she could sooth my soul, of her love and devotion for our newborn / infant grandson.
    About her soul filling in the cracks and crevices of mine.
    This was one of the most touching things I’ve read in a long, long time. I can actually say I miss Otis for all the things he did in your life. You made him real to me.
    And the grandson I mention? He now has a Boston Terrier who is his bestest buddy and guardian spirit.
    Don’t ever question your decision. To make that kind of personal sacrifice for a friend you love so deeply, to put their comfort before yours, it takes strength and love, brother.
    And if you listen real closely at night, the little bugger is probably right there snoring in your ear.

    You are obviously someone I need to follow.

    Best wishes.

  16. Reblogged this on Nocturnal Admissions and commented:
    Now that I have regained my composure, I think I need to share this with you guys.
    It’s a story I could have told about myself a few times, only maybe not as well, and as I look at my buddy Frodo, knowing he’s winding down, I don’t know when I’ll have the same story to tell again.

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