Well the decisions have been made and the fun now begins.
I don’t have to justify myself to anyone, so the questions of, have I gone mad? or You will be so alone. Type things are truly not necessary. Yes I know what I am doing. I am solving some issues that will come up in the future, I am planning on my retirement and creating a new life for myself.
While the past ten years have been as close to hell as I care to get, the time has come to start looking out for what becomes of me down the road. As I inch closer to the time of true retirement the future looks really grim as I see it. Such that I have started making plans that will see me in a much better light. Happier and free.
My plan is to get my sailing skills back up to top notch, do my research and ask as many questions and try to get as much advice as one can possibly get in order to make all the right choices.
I have made the decision to draw on my Canada Pension at the age of 60 taking the loss. I have some money invested that is only to be used for my retirement.
As the cost of living increases and no sight of any relief coming anytime soon. I worry about how and where I am going to live. I am not suited to live in shared accommodations until the day I cease to exist. Only being unhappy and living in hiding so as to avoid the guests and parties that my housemate has. I will not relocate only to have to live with total strangers. When you have a limited budget to live with that means that there is no such thing as affordable living. I have gone in the past ten years from a fully furnished three bedroom house down to a three bedroom apartment to a one bedroom apartment to sharing a house (meaning I have one bedroom) this costs enough.
I have been in this situation for going on 5 years now. I have disliked my situation to the point that I truly wished I would just die. Otis being the salvation for me. Who would take care of my ailing little boy should I cease to exist. Having plenty of time to think about this and find other solutions that suit my every desire.
For years I have thought about a live aboard boat. Mainly day dreaming mind you. How ever this past few months have really brought me to the realization that it is totally possible. I have the money to purchase an older yet top condition sailing vessel I’m talking 27 feet to no more than 33 feet that I would be able to single handed sail. Ensuring that the chosen vessel is surveyed and promises no known issues. Safety (mine) being top priority.
I have down sized the majority of my belongings already, having now only what I could fit into one bedroom. I gave away all of my appliances, furniture and clothing. Since having had to go on disability I have lost my dignity and privacy. I feel at most times that I have no self worth. This will be my opportunity to change things around for the better.
Living on a pension and having to pay exorbitant rent leaves virtually nothing for anything else. My decision to make this move in 4.5 years is a great one. Moving onto the water, really what more could one ask for. I will re-establish my dignity, I will have accomplished something in my life again. I will be free to come and go as I please. I will be free to travel, to see places that I other wise will not be able to.
I have been told how lonely I would be. Well truth be told. It can not be any worse than what it is now. My phone only rings for someone trying to sell me something. Not one person has ever come to visit me. No one talks to me even when there is 40 or 50 people wandering the house. I am the invisible one. So truth be told, I will be alone as a choice that I make. Have I gone mad, perhaps I have. The way I see it is that I am well on my way to self improvement.
The choices have been made and the wheels are in motion. My next appointment with my doctor will be to have him come up with an alternative pain management system that does not include the use of any opiates or narcotics of any description. The world will become my play ground. What about your friends? Easy, I have none. Let me clarify this. I have no flesh and blood friends. I do how ever have a handful of virtual friends (not sure if that is the right word) people that I chat back and forth with via the interweb. People that I have no chance in hell of ever having the opportunity to meet in flesh and blood and the here and now. These people on the screen are very valuable to me so don’t ever think otherwise. Some have been hanging in there for some time. Possibly seeing me for the person that I really am. Unlike the ones that hung in there as long as I had money and was active in supporting this and that. Funny how when one gets ill and looses all that, they were the first to go. How ever there is a lesson in that too. They have shown their true colours and be that what it is, they too will have to face judgement someday.
What happens over the next years, will be busy and hopefully very fulfilling.
I fear as everyday passes that I my little Otis is not going to be blessing me with his presence for much longer. I fear that I am fighting a loosing battle here. I got the front end fixed to the best of my ability, how ever in doing so I am noticing that we are loosing ground with the back end. Just as the side effects claim for the Phenobarbital that the hind quarters may weaken. Just is the case for my boy. I now get the privilege of seeing Otis topple over while sitting, instead of walking when he wakes up he drags his back legs behind him in his version of being a seal. ( have already started working on plans to make him a doggy wheel chair (for lack of better words) I have the materials on hand already if this becomes necessary. I also watch his back legs slide out from under him while he is playing ball. This is ever so disturbing to me. As this has now become a waiting game we will sit back and wait and see. With some luck hopefully when the medication is adjusted for him that we will see a reversal to this side effect. As mean and horrible as this will sound to many. I will not sit back and watch my boy suffer in any way shape or form. Until the time comes, Otis will have nothing but the best that I can afford to give and do for him. But let it be known that at the first sign of any suffering and at the words from his doctor that they can do nothing more for him I will have no choice but to say good bye to my dear friend. My reason for continuing on thus far..
Once that day has arrived I will of course continue on. A new course. A new reason. Perhaps some good will come of all of this.
What if something happens to you or your vessel while you are out at sea? I guess that will be my last day. You see I have no fear of death. When my maker feels the need to call me home, then I guess I go home.
Won’t you be afraid to be in the middle of the ocean all by yourself? Only a fool would not be afraid. The ocean is a very powerful thing. Very mysterious. No one can ever give reason for what she does when she does it.
I am making my choices with open eyes. I am with every minute of research becoming more and more informed. I stand as much of a chance getting stricken right here as I do at sea. I hope that once my journey begins that I might be able to visit lands where I may be able to offer my hands in assistance where aid is needed. Be it clearing land to teaching something to enhance the lives of others.
So my dream to some may be nothing more than some fucked up day dream. To me it is a means to improve my life, do something for others. Allowing me to have some form of dignity re-instated. Some privacy. The biggest bonus to me would be, to not have to be subjected to the stench of burning marijuana. Oh how nice that will be!!!
As bounce around as this post has taken it’s turns. I again ask for prayers for my little guy Otis. As much as one issue is semi resolved we are having to deal with another. I truly feel so badly for him to have been given the short end of the stick right from the very start. The Discount puppy because he had one ear the wrong colour, No one wanted this puppy except me! The loss of sight from such an early age, the Massive seizures that he had endured a few weeks ago and now the weakened hind quarters. This guy needs some kind of break, he owes nothing to anyone. He has been nothing but the best companion. so Please if you have it in your heart, keep Otis in mind.
Brightest Blessings Everyone.
I hope everyone has a good finish to their week.