Kind Of Like Perplexed Or Maybe Even Dumbfounded

My blog page has been taken by storm today. I have no idea why anyone would bother to be honest. I am not a writer and that is a certainty.  I don’t write on topics that anyone would really have an interest in.

I write what is in my head at the moment and I write for me to vent for lack of better words. I don’t write for people to praise me or feel sorry or pity or anything else about me. I don’t write for people to dis me or give me unwanted advise.

In fact the other day I had written a page about how ungrateful people around me were. How much I dislike my living arrangements and a few other odds and ends. I got a comment made by someone that I had been following and had much communication with in the past. Someone whom I had taken a liking to and someone that I had respected. I was told to not do what I was doing any longer and to move. There are reasons I do things for other people and yes it bothers me that they don’t have the decency to say thank you, to just take things for granted. You know what, I didn’t shovel my elderly neighbors sidewalk yesterday even though it needed it. And I am going to feel really bad when he walks out there and falls and breaks his hip. At 87 years old, will he survive that? Doubtful. But I stopped shoveling it.  As for moving, I have been looking for a new place from the second week I had moved in here. That adds up to almost 5 years of looking. I can not move into another shared accommodation situation. Me to have to live with strangers? It is hard enough living with people that I have known for over 15 years. There are no apartments that are affordable to me on the income that I have. You go ahead and try to find a place when you live on 1000 per month. the next move for me would be a cardboard box in a lane way I’m afraid. We have to take what we can get. I just didn’t realize that I was not permitted to voice my opinion on things that I don’t like or things that bother me.

So for that reason I had to delete that particular post as it caused waves, and caused me to cease following and remove myself from the crap. Some of you may have noticed that my page is no longer free to post comments on without having my approval before it is out for the public. I don’t care much for being publicly humiliated..

You have no idea of the changes that I have had to endure since I got injured. Pre injury there was nothing I could want for. I had a happy life (what I perceived as a happy life). When the money stops so does the love apparently. Downsizing from a 3 bedroom home into a one bedroom apartment  into a room in a house, with a few steps in between. I didn’t ask for any of this. How ever this is my life. There are months in which I can barely afford to have enough food for myself for the month, how ever I make sure that Otis is well provided for before I come into the picture. What ever food or anything else he needs to ensure that he is safe, healthy and happy. I took on that commitment when I got him, and that is one that I have no complaints about. I owe him plenty. There are a few that know the story behind that.

I think I have the right to be bitter a bit. I did not do this to myself. I had a good job with good income. One never knows when circumstances are going to change. If I live long enough (until official retirement) I can change the situation a bit for the better as I have provided for that time period. Until then well lets see what happens.

I try to understand people and especially the people that I have or had associated with. I was just not to bright I think. I believed I was well liked by the community in which I was a member. It was not until I had my accident and the money was not there that I found out what the attraction was. I was no longer able to do or provide for, the way I had in the past. After the accident and my illness when I had not heard from anyone, no one called or came over to check on me. Did I realize that I really did not have any friends. I have gone to many events and parties since I have recovered enough to be able to get around. Only to discover that I had to force myself into conversation, no one was coming to talk with me with out it. I also learned that I was like someone invisible. Those that I had once thought of as friends did not acknowledge me when I spoke, just as if I were not in the room at all.

My solution to this is to have nothing to do with anyone. I am always polite, I speak when spoken to. I do not put anyone down for anything. In putting myself in this position I have learned some valuable things. Just what the people around me really are for the most part. What I hear from them is the lies that the tell each other. The back stabbing that goes on. These people are suppose to be the best of best friends. I don’t understand. I certainly would never talk to, or about people like that. How can they consider that a friendship of any way shape or form.

This is the reason I have distanced myself from society as it were. I know lots of people, yet on my Face Book page I have not one friend. Not for the lack of people not wanting to add me or me to add them. But because I do not want these same people to have any reason to talk about me and put me down as they do to everyone else.

A method of self preservation I guess.

I am not putting this out there for anyone to feel sorry for me. I do not need sympathy from anyone. Thank you though. I am putting this out there so maybe some people will come to learn who I am and why I am the way I am. I understand that people want to know about other people. Everyone is different. Everyone has a story.

I hope that this has possibly cleared up some of the curiosity.

There are all types of people in this world and I have had the privilege of getting to know some of the genuinely wonderful ones right here. (I hope that you know who you are) that being said. I hope this clears the air a bit and maybe puts an end to the all of a sudden great interest in me. Thus I can go back to my quiet life.

Those that have bothered to read down to this point I thank you for taking the time to maybe know me a little better and understand why I am the way I am.

Brightest Blessings

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7 responses to “Kind Of Like Perplexed Or Maybe Even Dumbfounded

  1. Hi. I came across your blog through Megan’s. She’s wonderful, isn’t she? And, she does have the most handsome, most photogenic cat I have ever seen.

    Just wanted to say that I understand everything you said here. I’m no where near retirement age, however, I’m sick with several chronic illnesses and pain, which have brought on some mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. I was quite happy, going to work every day, to a job that I just loved and made a decent living. Almost 3 years ago, I lost my job because I was gone more than I was there. It only took 7 months and my disability was denied once, appealed and approved. I cannot possibly survive on my own with the small amount of money I receive each month. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the money that I do receive, but if it weren’t for my wonderful ex husband, I would be down under the bridge. After one hospital visit when I had my feeding tube surgically placed, he came home from the hospital with me, to help take care of me, and is still here to this day. If it weren’t for him, I really don’t know what I would do or where I would be.

    As far as the friends thing goes, I get that, too. It’s unfortunate that once we become injured or ill, people all of a sudden act as if we no longer exist. I’m a very social/people person and this saddens me greatly. My friends have been my world, until I got so sick and became disabled. Why bother with me? I can no longer do the things I was once able to do. I guess, I’m not even worth a visit every once in awhile, or even a phone call would be nice, but I’ve come to terms with it, now. Through blogging I have many, many great friends, even found my “new” best friend right here. We skype all the time. It’s like she’s sitting right across the table from me. We have a lot in common and she’s been a great source of support for me, as I hope I have been for her.

    I like you DO NOT want sympathy from anyone, EVER! A bit of empathy and/or compassion would be nice. Just try to understand. I know, I don’t look as sick as I am, that’s why they are called “invisible” chronic illnesses and pain. You cannot see it, but I can feel it and it is no fun. I would never wish this upon anyone.

    Just really liked this post and could relate to most of it. I have a little Bichon, Molly, and it’s so cold here that she does wear shirts and she wears a coat outside. She likes it and gets really mad when you try to take her shirt off. LOL

    I never have a mean word to say to anyone. I’m only here to share my journey with the world and to educate those that maybe don’t understand my diseases and pain. I would like to follow your blog and hopefully, become friends, as I seem to really be able to relate to what you had to say here. Nice to meet you. Have a great day.
    Peace,
    Tammy:)

  2. Thank you so very much Tammy.
    It is nice when there is actually someone out there that understands and knows first hand.
    Again thank you and I look forward to conversations with you.
    Brightest Blessings,
    bill

  3. My mother has, over time, shut the world out. For many reasons, but mostly because she does not want to feel pain. Any pain, at all. But there will always be pain, no matter how many doors you close. Every hill has a valley, you just have to keep hope that the next hill is softer and gentler. Eventually the rocky path is behind you. Take care, my friend.

  4. You’re quite welcome, Bill. And, thank you for following my blog, as I’m looking forward to following yours and chatting with you, as well. It does make it somewhat easier to have people to talk to that REALLY DO understand, first hand. A lot of people say they understand and that is nice and they are being empathetic, but you know they don’t really understand because you have to either be going through it, or gone through it before in order to truly understand. Any time you want to chat, I’ll be here. If I’m not online at the time, I’ll get right to you as soon as I am online. I’m in the U.S. central standard time. So, wherever you are, and whatever it is there, day or night, have a good one and I look forward to talking with you some more in the very near future. Stay strong, my friend. I hope you are having a “good” day or night. Take care.
    Peace and blessings,
    Tammy:)

  5. Hi there. I’m in Ontario Canada and we are EST here. I tried to send you an email the other day, hoping you might find it thus giving you my email addy without posting it on here.
    If you ever feel the need to or just plain want someone to chat with feel free. I don’t sleep all that much regardless of the amount of time I am laying down. Oh the email that I sent to was a Yahoo address. and now be damn’d if I can find it again or how it actually came to be on my screen.
    Anyhow catch you later. Remember Chin Up!
    bill

  6. I’ll have to check my email and see if I can figure it out. Like I said I don’t usually open email unless I know who it’s coming from so I don’t get a virus on my computer. I would go absolutely mad without my computer. My email is tlohuis@yahoo.com I don’t mind putting it on here because it shows up on my Gravatar anyway and like I said I don’t just open anything, but I will see if I can find it. I never sleep during the day, even if I was awake all night. Lately, I’ve been sleeping pretty well at night, but the insomnia always comes back around. So if it’s 4:30 p.m. here, it’s 5:30 p.m. there? Is that correct? I’ll let you know if I find that email or not. In bed today, still, but my chin is up. I’m feeling better emotionally today because I’m keeping busy chatting with friends here on WP. If I keep myself busy with something, I can usually distract myself from the pain just enough to take the edge off that I’m not constantly focused on it. If the pain is real severe, nothing can distract me from it, but today is better. I hope you are feeling “better” today, yourself.
    Tammy:)

  7. This is kind of unusual for me. I don’t usually get to involved in communication on here. I mean I respond to comments but never really go much beyond that.
    I have to say that there must be a better format than this for chatting back and forth. Wanted to say thank you for taking the time. I had more or less just given up on people. resigned myself to the fact that it is just me and Otis. Although there are a couple of people that I chat with periodically, with specific purpose mind you.
    So that being said, I need to find another method of chatting, still kind of a private person and not so sure about having conversation for the entire world to read.
    So happy to hear that you are having a rather good day. Tomorrow will see good things for you as well.
    later,
    bill

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